11.18.2013

OCD Spinout

I hate this.
I can't sleep lately.
It feels as though I'm going 40 hours without sleeping. Then I crash for 7-12 or more, getting up for a couple hours here or there. Then it happens again. 
Part of it is anxiety and part of it is that I feel pretty bad physically and when I do sleep it's because I'm so exhausted the "discomfort" doesn't keep me up.

I honestly think I last woke up... 330 on the 17th. I think?
I don't know.

Maybe it's not a huge deal, except.
except.

The OCD crap is creeping up fast. It's Pure O in nature.

Which means I can't talk about it, but I really need to. But my brain starts yelling at itself.

I'm annoying. I'm annoyed that I'm annoying. I say I feel annoying. But that's attention seeking behavior so I don't say anything for a while, but that's annoying because it's like I'm expecting people to react or respond a certain way. I'm not, but it's annoying. Then I say something else. It's wrong. So I try to correct. That's wrong. Then I mention that I'm having some OCD difficulty, but that's NOT OK and everything goes as absolutely code red as red can ever be and I start spinning out of control.

There have been times where I am just thrown into this ridiculous illogical logic problem, a mobius strip of debilitating mental precision where I always say the wrong thing but I have. To keep. Saying something.
 To make up for the last thing I said. 

But that is always wrong as well. 
And I can never know what the right thing is, but I always know when something is wrong.

Panic panic panic.

FREAKING OUT LIKE OMG AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHY