Tiny Actions in a Great Big Scary World

I'm feeling a bit powerless about a lot of the ignorance and fear going on around me. People are afraid of things they can't control right now, so they need to focus on something they feel they CAN control- which is one of thee reasons targeted hate and scapegoating happens.

I am doing what I can. I am trying to talk about, share and promote positive stories and experiences. Where, despite the unknown, the tense national atmosphere- people try to reach out to each other, try to increase communication and decrease mistrust, fear, ignorance, hate.

For myself, all I can really do is be the person I always try to be, someone I feel good about.

It has been hard lately because I feel this this strong atmosphere of tension, fear, frustration as well.

But here is what I try so hard to do: more than ever now, I try very hard to be aware of my surroundings in public. I pay attention to people. I try to more often put my damn phone down and just watch outside if I'm on the bus. If I am on the subway, I read the ads, try to lightly flit my eyes across people's faces and if I catch someone's eyes I smile.

I try to let people go before me if they are in a rush and I am not. I say thank you to bus drivers, cashiers, every one I can. I'm trying to make it ok, at least IN MY SPACE- to be friendly and warm a gain.  This is all I feel I can do right now.

I'm not superhuman- I am still cranky like whoa when I get into a debate online, I still grumble and moan. I catch myself sometimes saying or doing things that are probably not really necessary. Also I swear like a sailor [but I don't really consider that a bad thing ha]

I do try to treat those around me, with whom I have brief interaction, as though maybe if we had time it would be nice to sit down and have a coffee and chat.
Because these are strangers, and it just costs a smile, a minute or two of my time, a "thank you" or "have a good night"- it's not a lot of personal energy.

It's not silly to think small acts can inspire larger ones.
These are small acts, I know.
I'm hoping it's at least a start.


This thing I wrote.

I wrote this elsewhere but I'm trying to deal with this shit now and framing in a sort of FML, tongue-in-cheek, slightly morbidly funny way helps. 

One of my compulsions is avoidance- betcha didn't know that could be a compulsion, I sure didn't! ...also to clean and clean and organize and catalog and list and count and document and, and, and...

Playing the constant What If Game when your go to for stopping obsessions and fear is avoidance and a runner up is to clean and organize and straighten and create things to clean organize and straighten? Exercise in absurdity.

Then there's the repetition of "Don't Do That Wrong Thing You Are About To Do"- where you get caught in something like the inevitable Consequences of Time-Travel decisions loop, only its in your head and it's for real because you don't actually know if shutting the door half way is better than shutting it a third of the way ["leave it ajar"] while in your mind what you decide could actually affect the fate of your first born.

OCD: an entirely different type of "logic".


Thanks OCD!

Now's the time for that hat trick where my brain gets so stupidly convoluted with the non-logic that I have huge problems talking about psychiatry, psychology and/or neurology without having a freaking mental breakdown.

‪#‎ThanksOCD‬ ...because that's one of the things I really enjoy.


My OCD is a mogwai.

I was talking to a friend who also has OCD. More recently I tend to try to explain the OCD in a way that establishes that it is separate from me. It sort of helps in that it helps me cope with it better. The symptoms don't go away but I retain my sense of self and feel a bit more able to cope with the stress that the symptoms create ON TOP of dealing with the symptoms themselves. So this friend said she kind of sees my OCD as a sort of Oscar the Grouch type character.

I actually agreed but then modified it.
I am seeing it a little more like a mogwai. There are certain things that you can do to make it more likely that it will stay quiet and manageable. A cute little cooing fuzz ball, right??
Keep it out of sunlight.
Don't get it wet.
Don't feed it after midnight.


But then some idiot friend comes over and knocks a glass of water all over your OCD Mogwai, and suddenly it gets bigger or multiplies. Your clock is broken, so you start being late to things, and feed your now overwhelming OCD hoard after midnight. Now you are just screwed because over a period of like 48 hours your cute little cooing OCD fuzzball has become a snarling mob of scaly, crazy OCD fears.

So, yeah. My OCD is a mogwai. But my brain is wired to not take care of mogwais, which is why it's OCD and not "occasional weird thoughts that just drift through and are forgotten about".

This is why my brain can't have nice things.


You keep editing and cropping 
your goals 
and hopes 
and dreams 
to fit your reality.

At some point 
you wonder 
if it is worth 
the constant heartache 
to have them at all.


Fish Eye.

I was wandering about the internet, as I sometimes do and happened upon an article that discussed importance of lure choice when fishing. 

Do I even fish? Not anymore.

I used to fish all the time with my grandfather. What really gave me pause here is the discussion in the article of light/color and how fish are able to see the lure color which might compare differently to what we assume they can see as the lay person. 

Not much from me today but I wanted to share the geek. 
If you are interested in color and/or human sight I included a few related links at the bottom as well.

View From Below
Does Lure Color Matter Underwater?

Most keen anglers have a favorite lure or fly color, and swear that their choice will out-perform all other offerings. But just how important is color when it comes to lure and fly selection? Well, according to science, not very important at all!

Water progressively absorbs or blocks light of different wavelengths, meaning that colors effectively “vanish” one after another as “white” sunlight travels through the water column. The overall intensity or brightness of visible light also diminishes rapidly underwater... 


How does the brain interpret color? [seeing color]
What light reaches the eye? [the visible spectrum]
The Brain From Top to Bottom:[photoreceptors beginner] [photoreceptors advanced]
[I always recommend looking at The Brain From Top to Bottom, for anyone]


If everything were backward.

A great acrobat,
after walking his cat
Would stand on his feet [not his head]
After a speech we would write it all out
Then read the words we had said.

After the beach, we'd pick feet from our tar
and shake all the suits from our sand.
And once we were clean 
we'd ride home on the car.
Then think up the things we had planned.
[~oct. '08]
I'm sitting in front of the television watching Ghostbusters II. And you are sitting in front of your computer reading about me watching Ghostbusters II.


[c. 3/17/07]


You need to stop.

I really need people to stop commenting on things like:
My "social skills"
The fact that I use make up [what?]
The fact that I have sex [DOUBLE WHAT]

Other things that demonstrate either you don't know me or don't REALLY know what you are talking about re: autism, to support the idea that I am not autistic.

hint 1: My "social skills" are this grab bag of some kind of bullshit that are often some kind of desperate effort save by the fact that I tend to follow some kind of script that works at most parties if you have a drink in your hand that you keep only one-quarter full OR keep someone beside you who will cover for you and laugh at the weird things you say and will make other people feel stupid for NOT laughing at the weird stuff you say.

Also- there are enough short scripts or simple things you can do to fake that you know what you are doing. All else fails, fall back on very basic psychology theories combined with the fact that people just want to be heard and appreciated. I don't actually know when I've said something wrong or that what I'm about to say is subtly offensive. I often actually have a problem offending people when I try. I have yet to figure that out.

hint 2: WTF with the makeup. Yes I wear fucking make up. I'm not even going to address this.

hint 3: I have genitals. I like it when they feel good. Some people who aren't autistic don't like sex. Some people who are autistic don't like sex and it has nothing to do with being autistic. Some people who are autistic are in poly relationships [and it has nothing to do with being autistic]. Some people who aren't autistic are in poly relationships and it has nothing to do with not being autistic. SOME PEOPLE LIKE SEX AND SOME DON'T.

Another thing? Autism is not just about "fitting in". It's simply not. I have some distinct neurological shit that has nothing to do with 'fitting in', but it affects how I interact with the world because it affects how I perceive it and understand it. That is part of being autistic.

You don't get to tell me I am not autistic because I wear eyeliner and I can make two minutes of conversation at a cocktail party. There is way the hell more to it, and you don't know how much effort and energy that two minutes takes.


After a 2-3 day reprieve...

Pretty sure I'm sick again.

No surprise there.

6:19 PM
Through deep conversation with the boyfriend, I have decided that I want a pet.
A very small one.

I actually think I found him online:

His name is Explicity.
As in, when he is being mischievous and won't put down the game controller for the fifth time "Explicity, I don't really give a shit about Animal Crossing right now, we have to discuss this questionable utility bill. Then we can even go to PetCo for the ENTIRE afternoon- I swear."