9.22.2015

H. F-ing. Sh-

I don't even know what to say anymore.

At this point, whenever I have a decent day or a good time or feel joyful? It just reminds me how awful things are normally. I just put on this stupid ass face and and it's like I'm just a lie.

I'm not telling the lie- I AM THE LIE. I am kind of afraid that eventually it's going to just make sense to die and there will be NO push back.

I don't think there is any kind of medical fix for this except fucking knocking me out.  I just literally feel like I can't do this anymore. THIS meaning fucking existing.

I'm supposed to be "recovered" to do anything meaningful. I can't be "recovered" unless I feel like life and anything I do is meaningful.

SO PRETTY MUCH IT JUST MAKES SENSE TO DISAPPEAR. There is no "fix" other than changing my life.
I FUCKING CAN'T.
I have never encountered a literal "can't" before and there is no fucking way I'll change it to a CAN.

I. CAN NOT. JUST. CHANGE THINGS.
SO FUCK YOU IF YOU THINK I AM JUST NOT DOING IT RIGHT.
FUCK YOU.

9.08.2015

This thing I wrote.

I wrote this elsewhere but I'm trying to deal with this shit now and framing in a sort of FML, tongue-in-cheek, slightly morbidly funny way helps. 
---

On OCD:
One of my compulsions is avoidance- betcha didn't know that could be a compulsion, I sure didn't! ...also to clean and clean and organize and catalog and list and count and document and, and, and...

Playing the constant What If Game when your go to for stopping obsessions and fear is avoidance and a runner up is to clean and organize and straighten and create things to clean organize and straighten? Exercise in absurdity.

Then there's the repetition of "Don't Do That Wrong Thing You Are About To Do"- where you get caught in something like the inevitable Consequences of Time-Travel decisions loop, only its in your head and it's for real because you don't actually know if shutting the door half way is better than shutting it a third of the way ["leave it ajar"] while in your mind what you decide could actually affect the fate of your first born.

OCD: an entirely different type of "logic".